tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 5, 2015 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
much, everybody! you're absolutely right -- you're absolutely right, you guessed my name correctly, i am stephen colbert. now i have to spin your straw into gold. it's a rumplestiltskin reference, for those of you who don't have a child. this is our 20th show. i'm so happy to be here with you tonight. (cheers and applause) this stage already feels like my second home, although if anyone from the i.r.s. is watching, this is my primary residence. (laughter) this weekend, started getting a little chilly here in the city, so i got the fall wardrobe out. it's exciting. i'm all about layering. that's why i'm wearing two suits tonight. (laughter)
low 50s, that's sleeping weather. i'll do my best to stay awake the entire show. i can't promise anything because once fall is here, my body has two settings -- sleep and pie. (laughter) of course, once you have the pie, it's back to sleep. (laughter) we have a fantastic show this evening. first up, i'll be talking with five-term arizona senator john mccain! (cheers and applause) he is currently one of the elder statesmen of the senate as well as one of the youngest people in arizona (laughter) thank you for being here, senator . then misty copeland! (applause) >> stephen: misty copeland, the principal ballerina in the american ballet theater.
can she nene? (laughter) oh! i thought we were whip ago nene, but that is the sound of jon batiste from "stay human," everybody. say hi! (cheers and applause) yep! jon, i have noticed, you have a very special guest joining you this evening. who's in the band, john? >> jon: yo-yo ma! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: how are ya tonight, yo-yo? >> i'm great. how did you know i needed this job? >> stephen: well, you know, it's a youth culture and you're getting on in years. >> no kidding! >> stephen: you are celebrating your 60th 60th birthday! thank you for being with us tonight!
>> thank you for being here instead of that tired old barn, carnegie hall! (laughter) >> stephen: we're very excited. before yo-yo and jon-jon play the funk cello in just a moment, one more thing -- disneyland has raised the price of its most expensive pass over $1,000, but it's worth it because it entitles you to a lap dance from goofy. (laughter) >> announcer: tonight, stephen welcomes senator john mccain! misty copeland! special guest yo-yo ma! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"!
(cheers and applause) and now, it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yeah! i have never seen a maestro cellist fist bump before. that might be a first. folks, before we begin tonight, i just want to take a moment here to talk about my home state of south carolina. the palmetto state has been absolutely hammered over the past few days with rain. as you can see, the floods are devastating and heartbreaking. our thoughts and prayers go out to i've run who's been affected
down there, which is just about everybody, because this storm is of historic proportions. >> it has been called a thousand-year storm. >> this is a one in one-thousand-year event. >> we haven't seen this level of rain in the locountry in 1,000 years. that's how bad business is. >> stephen: this is the most rain south carolina has seen in thousand years. we know this from reports from indiana meteorologist. there is been rain up and down the east coast but what happenedo south carolina is bizarre. hurricane joaquin was grinding off the coast of the bahamas days, nearly 1,000 miles from south carolina. then evidently joaquin said, hey! what's that over there? boom! look at that thing! (laughter) that seems a little personal.
(laughter) hey, joaquin, how about buying a fellow a bottle of wine first? that looks like a lot of things, several of which i'm not allowed to say on cbs. so i'm just going to say it looks like the trunk of a demon elephant. just giving it to us. you know what? that still seems a little graphic. jimmy, can you help me out here? that's a little better. thank you. (laughter) anyway, if you want to help, volunteer or donate go to colbertlate show.com. we have charities that are helping out the flood victims. stay strong, y'all. now, folks, i love shopping at whole foods. because i love organic produce and i cannot stand having money.
so it really be bumming me out to see whole foods getting into a whole lot of organic, natural, gluten-free trouble. they were caught routinely overstating the weight of its packaged products. (audience reacts) a lot of guys do that. (laughter) then, in august, they had to apologize for charging people $6 for a bottle of something called asparagus water which was just a bottle of water with inside. evidently, that was a scandal. personally, i never heard of asparagus water, so i'm not sure asparagus water. but to me, if you put asparagus in water, you've made it.
just last week, whole foods had apology. >> whole foods will no longer sell products by prison inmates. reform advocates say whole foods is profiting off sale of products prepared by inmates who aren't paid much. some sell tilapia and goat cheese made by a colorado inmate program. >> stephen: prison labor? but everything at whole foods is supposed to be cage-free! (laughter) (cheers and applause) why is that possible? doesn't seem right! that's all right. i can't believe this. the whole time, i thought farmer bob was making my goat cheese! turns out, it was some guy named "spider"! (laughter) >> apparently, since 2001, whole foods has been partnering with a company that employs prisoners to milk goats and raise the fish, called colorado
correctional industries. yes, their motto, "our cheese is ageed 25-to-life." (applause) i had to hand it to whole foods. they did the responsible thing and stopped it as soon as they were caught. just like the prisoners who make their food. i'm sure this is not the last time they get caught doing something, so i would like to help them get ahead of any future scandals with some pre-apologies on their behalf. whole foods would like to apologize for labeling something organic chicken that were actually stray cats with beaks (laughter) whole foods will no longer make our pizza chef fight in the pit (laughter) from now on, our ground chuck will be labeled properly. we'll include chuck's last name so you will know exactly who
from here on out, i promise, our veggie burgers will not just be bar coasters soaked in m.s.g. it is our solemn pledge that our cashiers will now add up the cost of your products instead of just typing in the highest number they can think of. (cheers and applause) our exotic world foods section will no longer carry products from narnia, san nadu and funky town. (laughter) while you're shopping, our employees will no longer break into your car and rifle through your governor compartment for painkillers to get our pizza chef's hopped up before they fight in that pit. you're we welcome, whole foods. thank me with a tasty pizza plate free spider.
back with senator john mccain. (cheers and applause) i really admire my mother. despite what people said, she bought me a sewing machine and she let me play with dolls and that was something that was kind of, growing up culturally, it was quite unacceptable and she really dared to let me be different. [thunder and rain] [thunder and rain] [thunder and rain] i really like this organic soup. yeah. at least we know what he's eating. campbell's organic soups.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest is the senior senator from arizona, please welcome, john mccain! (cheers and applause) thank you. so few of our guests go and welcome the band. that's very nice of you. >> the band is great. wasn't that marvelous? yo-yo ma, you are really -- (cheers and applause) you've lifted the cultural level of the show by a magnitude of 5.
>> stephen: one thing about wrote wrote ma, he sure classes up the joint. >> he sure does. (laughter) >> stephen: there are a few people who may not know you. five-term senator from arizona. >> yes. >> stephen: the 2008 republican candidate for president of the united states. >> thanks for bringing that up. >> stephen: well, listen, that's -- >> after i lost, i slept like a baby. >> stephen: yeah? leep two hours, wake up and cry. cry... (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: yeah, well, if you had won -- >> yes. >>.i wouldn't be on this show. (laughter) >> stephen: though when you saw what was wrong with the world, if you were in the oval
may have had to change your drawers from time to time. (laughter) >> you have to put those things behind you. you really have to. if you worry about it and think, oh, i should have done this or that, it's just a needless exercise that -- >> stephen: it's a needless exercise. how often do you do it? >> four or five times a night. >> stephen: can you explain something to me? you're one of the leaders of the republican party. what is happening? (laughter) (applause) in the republican party! why can't you get your act together? >> civics 101, right, guys? (applause) >> stephen: we're all republicans. >> yeah, i think so. trump supporters. >> stephen: the last man.
you look at what's happening in congress now. >> this is one of the most unusual times, frankly, in political history that any of us have seen. there is a great deal of anger out there, a great deal of unhappiness. one of the weakest recoveries in history, millions of people have stopped looking for jobs, and there is a great antagonism towards washington. look, i landed at la guardia airport today. a guy ran up and said, hey, did anybody tell you you look a lot like senator john mccain? i said, yeah. he said, doesn't it sometimes just make you mad as heck heck? (laughter) so there is that anger out there. and, so, we get what we have. but i would remind you that this time four years ago the leader
in the polls in the republican nomination was herman cain followed by, as i recall, michele bachmann. so there's a lot more, i think -- >> stephen: and how have you felt about the the bachmann-cain administration? >> hell of a job. better than this one. (audience reacts) >> whoo! >> stephen: making friends, john. (laughter) hey! come over to john mccain's barbecue! (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: let's talk about some of the things you might have criticism for president obama. i had john kerry on last week. it boils down to the conversation, as far as i could tell, that it was a deal something like what they got,
iran, that it was time to start bombing them if we couldn't come up with some sort of deal. do you believe it was that dire? >> no. i believe that, if we had had a better deal, that it would have been something we could work with. >> stephen: what would that deal have looked like? more centrifuges are getting closer to a bomb. >> would have had much better verification, inspections released 100 billions. the iranians keep chanting death to israel, death to america. in the last few days, guess who's putting more and more troops from the iranian revolutionary guard into syria, iran. >> stephen: they have boots on the ground. >> yes, and more coming in. >> stephen: do you think they have boots on the ground in parts of iraq and syria that are
have boots on the ground. something. >> stephen: and the russians are bombing at the same time and they also will be putting troops on the ground. their troops, our troops, their planes, our planes, that doesn't seem like a recipe for disaster? they're bombing different people than we want them do. >> they said they'll bomb i.s.i.s. and they bomb the free trained. is there a problem with immorality there? >> stephen: how many troops are you talking about? >> a couple thousand. >> stephen: we couldn't bring order to iraq with over 100,000 troops in ten years. >> we did bring order to iraq. >> stephen: the moment we left it disappeared. >> and all of us predicted if we pulled everybody out, this would happen. the same thing will happen to afghanistan if we pull everybody out of there. >> stephen: you may be right. you're a military man. i am not. i do want to say what concerns me and i think maybe other people that i don't want to speak for anybody else is that
it sounds like put that amount of troops in there and then leave them indefinitely. will we end up being a peacekeeper for the region forever and a day? >> no. we've had 38,000 troops in korea since 1954 but we're still the greatest and strongest nation on earth, energy independent, manufacturing technology, information technology. america's future is right. earth. we just have to have the right things. chance you're running for president of the united states right now? because i don't hear that positive message from a lot of people on the campaign trail. >> there was a famous philosopher who once said there's no education in the second kick of the mule, so the answer is no. (applause) >> stephen: senator mccain, thanks for joining me!
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: yeah! let's hear it for jon batiste and "stay human" with special guest yo-yo ma, everybody! (cheers and applause) yo-yo's new latest album is "songs from the arc of life." it is dope, yo-yo! (laughter) all the hits you want from deb debussey to gershwin. it's an honor to have guests like this. it's amazing.
him, and as i said earlier, this is our 20th show and so far it's been a lot of fun. this is my fun face. (laughter) but it's also been a voyage of self-discovery for meful you see, i spent nine years on tv lying about my identity. i am stephen colbert. but for all that time, i was stephen colbert, loud angry man with his own ice cream! all right? (cheers and applause) but he's gone now. he's gone now. luckily, the ice cream is still around. mmm! oh! come to me my waffle cone lover! mmm! mmm! so part of that guy will always be in here in that my aorta now as a caramel center.
(laughter) (audio difficulty) >> stephen: okay. i was testing you. you're good. how are some of the ways you can tell people are lying? >> think about this, when you go to sleep at night a, do you tell yourself to breathe? >> stephen: i do, i remind myself right before i fall asleep. keep breathing, like maybe 40 times in manhattan. >> do you tell your heart to beat? >> stephen: i tell my heart to be free and to love who it wants. >> the things i just described are things you can't control, enif you do speak to yourself. >> stephen: how deep does the rectal probe go? >> no rectal probes. >> stephen: they cut that out of the test? >> it's interesting you said that.
i have a motion sensor. >> stephen: that takes the place to have the rectal probe? >> it basically will monitor your lower extremities. >> stephen: what movements am i supposed to be making? >> wiggle your toes, flex calves. >> stephen: what about kagles. it will interfere with your polygraph results. >> stephen: what if i'm doing one now? >> it will keep a lot of work keeping you focused. >> stephen: okay, great. i feel like life, if i can use that term is something that yes it's going to be honest about but sometimes we're improving with each other. do you do that? >> no. >> stephen: name an objection. oftball. >> stephen: another one. baseball. >> stephen: not sports. ladies' shoes. >> stephen: shoes. and an occupation. >> how about we use accountant. >> stephen: okay, here we go.
ladies' shoes and accountant -- (laughter) i got nothing. morning, doctor! oh... ahhh! i'm not good at. this i guess i'm not a good liar. i'm an honest person. >> on a scale of one to ten, one being honest, ten being dishonest, where do you fall? >> stephen: give me the scale again. >> one to ten. >> stephen: ten is good? ten is great. >> stephen: then i'm a ten. what did you find out. did you just read me? >> you're trying to figure me out just like i'm trying to figure out you. >> stephen: i'm not trying to figure you out. >> human nature. can't help it. >> stephen: i can help myself. i'm responsible for my own orgasm. ever helped yourself? >> quite a few times. >> stephen: okay. good, thank you for being honest about that.
i've heard many sociopaths are able to fool polygraph tests. is that true? >> there's been no case studies about sociopaths. >> stephen: have you met a sociopath? >> not yet but -- >> stephen: so you would recognize one if you saw one? >> only by theory. >> stephen: they treat living as a human something they have to study. >> you know a lot about sociopaths. >> stephen: it's just a hobby. i'm not a sociopath but i like knowing what they're like so iko occasionally pretend to be like them but i'm not. i'm not a sociopath. i'm an entertainer. entertainers are people who pretend to be other human beings so that other human beings will like them. sociopaths pretend to be other human beings so other human beings will think they're human. there's a huge difference. >> stephen: so make your skits schizophrenic?
-- >> so makes you schizophrenic? >> stephen: not as far as i know. >> let's get to it. >> stephen: let's lose the pants. i would like to apologize for my regrettable ablgzs. turns out, i did not have to take off my pants. and why are you putting these on my fingers? so i can't cross my fingers when i'm lying? i was wrapped, strapped and the probes were snug as a bug with fancy squiggles. john could tell if any part of my body was being dishonest. >> stephen: are you ready for the test? no. >> stephen: then yes. remain still. regard who you really are, do you intend to answer truthfully about that? >> stephen: yes. are you a comedian? >> stephen: yes. unless no is a funnier answer. >> do you work for cbs?
>> yes or no, stephen. >> stephen: yes. i work for cbs. the greatest television network ever. show"? >> stephen: yes. unless this is an elaborate kimmel. are you -- dude! i see the camera! right down there! you got me! you got me, kimmel! you're good! wait a second -- that's just guillermo! they shaved guillermo! >> yes or no? >> stephen: yes. john continued to grill me for what man tadged into 20 seconds. >> i'm halvesies on that. are you okay, stephen? >> stephen: got me, i stole the name don draper during the korean war and sold my story to matthew warner. are you happy? finally the big question. >> are you stephen colbert?
colbert. also, is there a blockbuster around here? because i got to return my copy of the pelican brief. >> yes or no, stephen. are you stephen colbert? >> stephen: yes. this test has ended. please remain still. >> stephen: okay, john. give it to me straight. who am me? >> well, stephen, when i look at the question, are you stephen colbert, it's conclusive to say, in fact, you are stephen colbert. >> stephen: yes! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yes! that was the answer i was looking for! whoo! well, there it is. i am being honest about who i am. i just have no honest idea of who me is. back to you, stephen. whoever you are. >> stephen: thanks, steve.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back! my next guest made history this year when she became the first african-american principal ballerina with the american ballet theatre. her inspirational story is told in the upcoming documentary a ballerina's tale. >> when she entered the stage, it seemed like collectively we all kind of leaned forward, and it was just the sense of pride and joy to just see this talented, strong, graceful, amazing woman grace the stage. >> stephen: please welcome misty copeland!
>> stephen: thanks so much for being here. >> thank you for having me! >> stephen: not only are you the first african-american principal ballerina for the american ballet theatre, you're a superstar, you have endorsements from underarmor and dr. pepper. that doesn't happen to ballerinas often. this summary you starred on broadway. your memoir was a best seller and a ballerina tale opens in theaters. how old were you when you started dancing ballet? game. i was 13 years old. >> stephen: that's over the >> right! >> stephen: ballerinas and models, way too late to start. >> yeah, 13 years old, i stumbled upon it. i really would like to say it
i had no interest in classical ballet and no knowledge of what it was. >> stephen: were you dancing at all at this point? >> i was. >> stephen: like with friends at a party? >> no, i was very shy. i wasn't going to parties at 13. >> stephen: but now you are? that's the message there? at 13 no, but now you tear it up, i bet. >> mostly in my bedroom, i was choreographicking tochoreographicking to mariah carey and george michael. >> stephen: did you have a go-to george michael song you would corps graph? >> i would dance to "i want your sex." not appropriate at all. (laughter) >> stephen: did you make it? i made captain. convincing. you must have been convincing! how did you go from that, like,
team at school to the abt? how did you get into ballet then? >> i had that same coach at the middle school drill team. she said, you have the physique of a ballerina and a lot of potential, so i went to the boys' and girls' club where they were offering free ballet classes, took my first class there. i trained for four years and a.b.t. took me into the company. i was 17 when i moved to new york and joined the studio company, 19 when i joined the main company. >> stephen: as the first african-american principal ballerina for a.b.t. and one of the only african-american prima ballerinas in the world, did you feel a cultural burden in achieving this? >> i've always felt very comfortable and it's felt very organic for me to speak about race because i understand the importance of bringing more
so it's never felt to me like a burden or anything i was putting on. it was this voice inside of me i needed to get out to represent so many people who have come before me, which a ballerina's tale is so much a part of sharing the history of african-american ballerinas that have come before me, younger than me that are coming up, and i feel like it's why i'm here, not just to be a ballerina but to be the voice and make change in the classical ballerina world. >> stephen: it is really a society that was very sort of calcified in its ways because, consider this, we had a black president before we had a black principal ballerina for american ballet theatre. >> yeah. >> stephen: seems like your job is a harder breakthrough. (laughter) how accurate is that documentary black swan that i saw?
(laughter) how often do you have arguments with yourself in the mirror and have feathers prouding out of your back? >> the arguments happen, the feathers not so much, no. you know, it's a fun movie. >> stephen: well, speaking of fun, thank you for being here, and i understand that you and yo-yo are going to do a performance for us. >> we are. i'm sure excited. >> stephen: a ballerina's tale opens nationwide october 14th, american ballet theatre's fall season opens october 21st at lincoln center and will run through november 1. when we come back a performance by misty copeland and yo-yo ma. thank you so much for being here. (cheers and applause) lease an mkz hybrid for $299 a month
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happy birthday dear yo-yo happy birthday to you (cheering) >> stephen: all right! and yo-yo, we want to give you a small token of our gratitude for sitting in tonight. no, no, it's fine. it is -- >> oh, my gosh! >> stephen: a late show with stephen colbert cello and pen rubber cap. (cheers and applause) there you go. >> that's the best kind of protection you could ever give a cellist. >> stephen: before you go, would you be so kind as to cut the cake? >> can you hold my cello?